The Readers Write, part II -- The Dialect Divides

Informed reader Jez suggested a number of differences between the US and the UK when we refer to that fizzy elixir. According to Jez, pop could be anything from a pink liquid advertised on television to a word that the elderly used when referring to a soft-drink to appear both "hip" and "with-it" at the same time. Soda, on the other hand, makes him think of cream soda (or creme soda, for the purists out there).

He always opted for the the more specific "fizzy brown vegetable extract." This only serves to show yet another difference between the US and UK. When ordering, I always ask for "carbonated aqueous maltodextrin with caramel flavourings." I guess it is just the way I was raised.

Myriad linguistic differences have been noted throughout the years between the variants of English in the UK and in the US. The English claim their English is correct because they "invented" it. I used to say that our English should be the benchmark English because there are more US English speakers than there are UK English speakers. The problem with that argument is that there are more English speakers in China than in the rest of the world combined, so that would mean giving the Chinese the right of standardising the English language.

In the end, it probably doesn't really make a difference. In Germany, standard, taught German, called Hochdeutsch or High German, is only standard because a group of German linguists and politicians decided that the varient of German spoken in Hamburg would be the German. It is all pretty arbitrary, and it would be unfair to claim that the varient spoken in Bavaria is not German, although it is pretty fucked up. For all I know, the speakers of Bayerisch may prefer to be separated from the official German language.

Someone said that the US and the UK are two countries separated by a common language. It might have been Churchill because he seems to be the kind of guy who said things like that, but it also could have been Johnny Rotten or Morton Downey Jr for all I know. Generally speaking, there is no real language barrier for me. Context is always important, and if you are a deft follower of context, then you should be able to sus out the jist of, say, "sus out the jist."

There are some terms, that while I understand their meaning, I really dislike. I've already described my dislike for words like blog and Comm Ave for Commenwealth Avenue in Boston. I've also described an aversion to intentional misspellings, but trust me, there are more.

The English love the word "do" as in Kate's leaving do and Willie's birthday do and Lucy's hen do. It means party, gathering, a festive joining of people (in the last instance, a hen do is a bachelorette party). I have no idea what the etymology of this word is and I don't really see how it relates to party, gathering or a festive joining of people. Perhaps it migrated from more traditional meanings of do or does, and intermingled with party. Either way, it just sounds dumb. "Why don't you come over on Friday, we are having a little do?" "A do?" "Yeah, a do." I make it a habit to stay away from functions that are described in that way. Maybe that is why I have such a scant social calendar in London.

I also dislike many forms to toilet paper that they use around here. Toilet roll is fine, but loo roll and bog roll are patently unacceptable. No real reason, it just sounds really informal. If one aspect of your day requires undue formality, it is going to the bathroom.

Having said that, there are a number of Americanisms that I truly dislike. For example, many backwater American's use the word "done" as an emphasis, as in "I done gone and fixed me up some chicken vittels," or "I done washed the jalopy." Nothing connotates inbrededness and under-education better than the way "done" used in this way does.

I should also say that I have a great love of many English-isms. Their enthusiastic use of words like brilliant, lovely and smashing are uplifting. The best part about these words is that Americans can use them too. I can exclaim "Smashing!" and no one would bat an eye. Something can be "Brilliant!" without causing an incident. Unfortunately, there are some terms that Americans just can't pull off. I can't describe myself as chuffed because I just can't form the word correctly. I sound like an American trying to sound English and that is the worst kind. I would sound just as ridiculous walking up and down the streets of Perth saying "G'day, mate" (I acutally don't know if Australians really say this) -- again, I'd just be an American trying to sound Australian.

In Germany, they appreciate my use of German (even though their English is better than mine), but they would no less cringe if I were to start dropping lines from Herbert Groenemeier or German cartoon sensation Werner than I would if they came to the US talking as though they had seen one episode of Def Comedy Jam and thought they got the jist of it.

Language is the key to understanding someone. What one talks about and how one represents himself gives real insight into that person. If you can pull of changing dialects, that is great, but it is much harder than you think. Language should come naturally and it shouldn't be forced. If it is, then you are speaking a foreign language. Keep it true to yourself -- call a party a party, a do a do, but call all bog roll toilet paper.